Skeleton Song..

This post is composed of three several blog entries written in over a period of a couple of days. The dates are from October 25-27.

Can I tell you a secret?
Of course I can.

I’m in LOVE.
I’m in l-o-v-e with being at home.
I’m home alone. No parental guidance. You know what that means, right? FREEDOM, baby! I can go anywhere and go back home anytime I want =) It’s been more than a week now and I’m having the time of my life. So this is how its like being (almost) independent.
I’ve been hanging out with friends back in Indonesia and it’s been great, I swear. They were the ones who I grew up with and it’s nice to meet (almost) everyone whose still here. Next year it will end. They’ll go to their different ways and it won’t be the same anymore. A development company yearning for business found the deserted island and they’re interested in investing it.
Does this make sense?
I don’t ever want to forget about this place. I guess every one feels like that about their home.
Being home is like paradise on a deserted island.
Manila is great, but Indonesia is always home. Despite the pollution, uber traffic, perverted old men, and bribery it’s still home. Every place I see gives back so many memories and sometimes, it can get overwhelming. I’m ready to go back to Manila but it feels like an obligation. However, despite all the comforts that home would give to me, I feel that Manila is the place where uhmmm.. I can learn new things?







Can I tell you a secret?
The freedom from being home alone with no one else tells me so many things.
Don’t worry, I bet no one else that shouldn’t read this would have the access to it.
I want someone. Anyone.
Partly because I miss going out, being close to in love, and just all the bf-gf thing.
I also want to make him jealous. That’s the weirdest thing I’ve realized. Every part of my imagination just wants to make him wish that breaking up was the worst thing he could do. Like, ‘shit, she’s so awesome. Why did I have to break up with her?’ I want to make him regret the day when he met his significant other.
But are the feelings back?
I don’t know.
What I do know is, I miss having a boyfriend. There I said it. I miss going to movies, staying up talking to
I guess I'm not actually missing this specific person. Maybe I just miss the idea of it. I don't know but we'll see. Years from now.
I keep thinking of different scenarios of how it would be the next time we see each other (probably years from now) and like, one look would just bring back everything. Every single thing. I know that looks shouldn’t be the utmost important thing so later in the scenario, he starts to fall in love with me with my personality. Do I allow myself to become vulnerable and open to painful wounds? I don’t think so.
I’ll tell him, ‘you had your chance bro. i promised myself that i wouldn’t let myself in the same position i was before. it hurt like hell. Sorry.’
And then I ride off with a beautiful brown horse with another man.
Okay, that was made up.


I am currently loving my sembreak. No parental guidance. There are a few things that I’m not proud of doing but I’ll just try and resist the temptations next time. For now, I just want to use this time to clear my head and get ready for another semester of college.
I <3 this vacation.
However, I was a bit disappointed when I came back to find that my classmates have succumbed to smoking and alcohol. Not that I do that, but in my case its quite moderate.
You know, ever since I lived alone in my apartment I made a few discoveries. One, is that solitude increases the love for thyself. I’m more vain right now than I ever was.
Second, I realize how much I miss my friends here. Especially the ones that aren’t here right now. My best friend. Jakarta is not the same without her. I hope that she’s enjoying her life right now in Australia, and hopefully in the future, we can meet up and just hang like it was before. I remember one time, when it was just two of us in her car on the way to Senayan City and we were talking about this Nu Tea bottles. Nu Tea is probably the best green tea being sold here in Indonesia. Anyway, they had this prize competition thing where the bottom of the bottle caps would show whether you won something or not. The prizes ranged from free Nu Tea bottles to 1 billion. We never got anything beyond the free bottles. And we were talking how we would spend the money if one of us ever got it. We would get an apartment in a foreign place after college and get an awesome car. We were giggling about how we would do groceries together, meet cute guys, and wonder what we’ll do if we have boys over at the same night. Yes, a bit off but still. It’s one of those conversations, you know?
Nothing is the same anymore. Everyone’s changing and I’m one of them. I just hope I’m not the only one that realizes it. By the end of this break, I’ll go back to Manila and continue my life there.
I haven’t read my previous blog entries in awhile. I guess I’m still in that stage where it’s still all awkward. Probably next month, but definitely not now.
Living without parental guidance and minor responsibilities (hey, this only happens for a short time) had given me a new experience. It’s really awesome but I know that I’ll need to get back on my feet soon. I haven’t done anything productive whatsoever, and you know what, I’m LOVING IT.
Note for the future self: Apologies for the disorganized way of posting up blog entries. When my mind is finally 'there', I will and can do better.

Watching the Rain..

I'm back at the place where I always wanted to be.
I feel like I deserve every minute I'm in this place.
I won't call it heaven, but it is certainly close to it.
It's not perfect through the eyes of others, but it might as well be through mine.
I <3 Jakarta. It will always be home.
However, when I came back this unusual feeling started to arise. It's like, I'm in a place full of great and unforgettable memories and there's this feeling of hopelessness that I can't go back. In Manila, I could easily distract myself with all the things I have going there but once I set foot here, it's like, oh crap.
The roads seem like
Luckily, my friends from college that used to live here and are spending time here are my current distractions.
I know that absence makes the heart grows fonder. This could be an example for it, with Jakarta. With someone else? I'm not sure. It seems like every place here reminds me of him. Like, what happened in our dates. This place is soo nostalgic and painful at the same time. Bittersweet. Still delicious.
Anyway, enough about that.
I feel like I'm the path to being the person that I've always wanted to be. Like, I'm starting to achieve the independence needed already. It's not there, but I'm definitely taking steps there. I've been quite proud of myself despite of a few flaws.
However, when I come back to Manila I'm going to be a more beautiful person. My heart is going to know the top prorities, such as school, family, friends, and whatnot. Boys would be a staple but I won't make it at the top of my list. By the time I get there my nails and toes are going to be yucky-free, my stomach would be thinner (not fat like now), and my muscles will come back. Yeah, my toned arms aren't there anymore. i already cut my hair, pierced my ears, and that's hopefully just the beginning.
Independence during sembreak just rocks my socks. And vacation time is just starting.
Too bad time has to speed things up..
Independence is awesome.
I loves it.

We Bringing it Back..

I'm at home.
Let me tell you. I love my home.
But its not the same anymore. It doesn't mean that I don't like it anymore. But the new things contradict with the memories. Sometimes I hate the memories for being so awesome.
What I feel right now is that things aren't the same anymore.
My best friend ain't here. He's not here. My parents are not here.
Yes, I miss all of them.
The impact on the others didn't help as well. I guess the time when we left somehow caused the others to drift off as well. I didnt' know that it was going to happen until I saw it last night. We hung out together last night, but I won't emphasize on the 'together' part. there was some kind of tension and in the midst of it, some of them were high. Not that I have anything against people getting high (I think that I'll try once in the future), but you know, I just felt disappointed because it felt nothing like it was before.
if my best friend was there, everything would have been better.
if he was there, it would have a whole new different experience.
when i pass these streets, everything that i hold on to would always be in the mind but not in sight anymore.
i guess that's whats holding me back in manila. i'm starting to come into terms to accepting it as my new home, but jakarta would always have a special place in my heart.
i cant really comprehend into what im feeling right now because i have something in my hands that i have to deal with. actually its a good coping mechanism, it lets me distract myself from these feelings of disappointment.
but yeah, i will always miss the past. it will always haunt me i guess. it will remind of when things were in control in our own hands and that no one else could take it away.
and now, its almost gone.
i guess i got to move on and continue to make new memories someplace else.
this semester break is probably going to be the final bow to high school memories. and then i gotta keep the car running.