The Saltwater Room

Apologies for the lack of posting here. I found another software in which I put my journal entries. Will post them up pretty soon. Have no fret, there is still deep and passionate inside writing.

Anyways, I'll give you the hoo-ha. It's almost halfway through summer na. Am recovering from the flu. Meanwhile, everyone is looking up to Obama for hope amidst the crisis and the swine flu is increasingly becoming more epidemic. I'm in this oasis of time in which I do not feel severely affected by any of this. Maybe in 20 years when I'm officially an adult, so in my way of thinking, be stressed in those years and not now. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy life while you can.

The song, "The Saltwater Room" is the song that's in my current life soundtrack. My summer soundtrack is coming up quite nicely. Lately however, the choice of music is quite limited but hopefully it will change this year. I expect to broaden it even more, and explore the local music scene and whatnot. Maybe explore the punk rock scene in Australia or something, I don't know.

I've been in the dilemna between my family sometimes. In a way I want to get away from it. First things first, my mom. Right now, I'm okay but it's just some things in her nature in which I really can't stand sometimes. This morning, I had to wake up with her voice ringing in my ear complaining about how we take my dad's job for granted. Sometimes she just has to do it randomly without any specific incident leading up to it, which is pretty downright annoying. That's what being how many miles away from her almost makes me immune from it. Now as I'm exposed to it, it hurts twice as much.

Sometimes, in order to fulfill my materialistic needs (like wanting to have a new digital camera, simply because of not feeling beautiful through the lens of my current one or new branded clothes or something), I want to try my luck in modelling. But the thing is, I really don't want to do the first step. If I'm scouted or something, then okay, maybe. In Indonesia, I'm surrounded by beautiful friends. I have like five friends whose already signed up in some modelling agency. Maybe or maybe not it's in the cards for me. We'll just see. But I'm going to keep telling myself to pay close attention to my fashion sense, and my weight issues.

Yes, in freshman year I've been gaining weight like crazy. The ol' Freshman 10. McDonalds dinner, lack of exercising, and unfortunate snacking. Hopefully sophomore I won't gain as much as I did. I'm using the time I have in Jakarta to exercise as much as I can.

Anyways, yesterday I overheard my parents talking about the infamous grandmother. The grandmother who's quite stingy and grabs all our money when she has the chance to. I know that I have to understand the situation that we are in, but sometimes, it's just over the line. There are so many things that she's done that hurt our family in a way. The worst part is that, we really never had a relationship with her. Yeah, sometimes we make small talk with her but then it's nothing that's really close, you know?I guess the difference in cultures and the time spent apart can be blamed for it. I promise myself that I will get close to my grandkids no matter what. I'll tell him what happened in my life and listen to theirs.I want to be the grandmother who tells them the music that I used to listen and we'd talk while eating the cookies I baked.

Skeleton Song..

This post is composed of three several blog entries written in over a period of a couple of days. The dates are from October 25-27.

Can I tell you a secret?
Of course I can.

I’m in LOVE.
I’m in l-o-v-e with being at home.
I’m home alone. No parental guidance. You know what that means, right? FREEDOM, baby! I can go anywhere and go back home anytime I want =) It’s been more than a week now and I’m having the time of my life. So this is how its like being (almost) independent.
I’ve been hanging out with friends back in Indonesia and it’s been great, I swear. They were the ones who I grew up with and it’s nice to meet (almost) everyone whose still here. Next year it will end. They’ll go to their different ways and it won’t be the same anymore. A development company yearning for business found the deserted island and they’re interested in investing it.
Does this make sense?
I don’t ever want to forget about this place. I guess every one feels like that about their home.
Being home is like paradise on a deserted island.
Manila is great, but Indonesia is always home. Despite the pollution, uber traffic, perverted old men, and bribery it’s still home. Every place I see gives back so many memories and sometimes, it can get overwhelming. I’m ready to go back to Manila but it feels like an obligation. However, despite all the comforts that home would give to me, I feel that Manila is the place where uhmmm.. I can learn new things?







Can I tell you a secret?
The freedom from being home alone with no one else tells me so many things.
Don’t worry, I bet no one else that shouldn’t read this would have the access to it.
I want someone. Anyone.
Partly because I miss going out, being close to in love, and just all the bf-gf thing.
I also want to make him jealous. That’s the weirdest thing I’ve realized. Every part of my imagination just wants to make him wish that breaking up was the worst thing he could do. Like, ‘shit, she’s so awesome. Why did I have to break up with her?’ I want to make him regret the day when he met his significant other.
But are the feelings back?
I don’t know.
What I do know is, I miss having a boyfriend. There I said it. I miss going to movies, staying up talking to
I guess I'm not actually missing this specific person. Maybe I just miss the idea of it. I don't know but we'll see. Years from now.
I keep thinking of different scenarios of how it would be the next time we see each other (probably years from now) and like, one look would just bring back everything. Every single thing. I know that looks shouldn’t be the utmost important thing so later in the scenario, he starts to fall in love with me with my personality. Do I allow myself to become vulnerable and open to painful wounds? I don’t think so.
I’ll tell him, ‘you had your chance bro. i promised myself that i wouldn’t let myself in the same position i was before. it hurt like hell. Sorry.’
And then I ride off with a beautiful brown horse with another man.
Okay, that was made up.


I am currently loving my sembreak. No parental guidance. There are a few things that I’m not proud of doing but I’ll just try and resist the temptations next time. For now, I just want to use this time to clear my head and get ready for another semester of college.
I <3 this vacation.
However, I was a bit disappointed when I came back to find that my classmates have succumbed to smoking and alcohol. Not that I do that, but in my case its quite moderate.
You know, ever since I lived alone in my apartment I made a few discoveries. One, is that solitude increases the love for thyself. I’m more vain right now than I ever was.
Second, I realize how much I miss my friends here. Especially the ones that aren’t here right now. My best friend. Jakarta is not the same without her. I hope that she’s enjoying her life right now in Australia, and hopefully in the future, we can meet up and just hang like it was before. I remember one time, when it was just two of us in her car on the way to Senayan City and we were talking about this Nu Tea bottles. Nu Tea is probably the best green tea being sold here in Indonesia. Anyway, they had this prize competition thing where the bottom of the bottle caps would show whether you won something or not. The prizes ranged from free Nu Tea bottles to 1 billion. We never got anything beyond the free bottles. And we were talking how we would spend the money if one of us ever got it. We would get an apartment in a foreign place after college and get an awesome car. We were giggling about how we would do groceries together, meet cute guys, and wonder what we’ll do if we have boys over at the same night. Yes, a bit off but still. It’s one of those conversations, you know?
Nothing is the same anymore. Everyone’s changing and I’m one of them. I just hope I’m not the only one that realizes it. By the end of this break, I’ll go back to Manila and continue my life there.
I haven’t read my previous blog entries in awhile. I guess I’m still in that stage where it’s still all awkward. Probably next month, but definitely not now.
Living without parental guidance and minor responsibilities (hey, this only happens for a short time) had given me a new experience. It’s really awesome but I know that I’ll need to get back on my feet soon. I haven’t done anything productive whatsoever, and you know what, I’m LOVING IT.
Note for the future self: Apologies for the disorganized way of posting up blog entries. When my mind is finally 'there', I will and can do better.

Watching the Rain..

I'm back at the place where I always wanted to be.
I feel like I deserve every minute I'm in this place.
I won't call it heaven, but it is certainly close to it.
It's not perfect through the eyes of others, but it might as well be through mine.
I <3 Jakarta. It will always be home.
However, when I came back this unusual feeling started to arise. It's like, I'm in a place full of great and unforgettable memories and there's this feeling of hopelessness that I can't go back. In Manila, I could easily distract myself with all the things I have going there but once I set foot here, it's like, oh crap.
The roads seem like
Luckily, my friends from college that used to live here and are spending time here are my current distractions.
I know that absence makes the heart grows fonder. This could be an example for it, with Jakarta. With someone else? I'm not sure. It seems like every place here reminds me of him. Like, what happened in our dates. This place is soo nostalgic and painful at the same time. Bittersweet. Still delicious.
Anyway, enough about that.
I feel like I'm the path to being the person that I've always wanted to be. Like, I'm starting to achieve the independence needed already. It's not there, but I'm definitely taking steps there. I've been quite proud of myself despite of a few flaws.
However, when I come back to Manila I'm going to be a more beautiful person. My heart is going to know the top prorities, such as school, family, friends, and whatnot. Boys would be a staple but I won't make it at the top of my list. By the time I get there my nails and toes are going to be yucky-free, my stomach would be thinner (not fat like now), and my muscles will come back. Yeah, my toned arms aren't there anymore. i already cut my hair, pierced my ears, and that's hopefully just the beginning.
Independence during sembreak just rocks my socks. And vacation time is just starting.
Too bad time has to speed things up..
Independence is awesome.
I loves it.

We Bringing it Back..

I'm at home.
Let me tell you. I love my home.
But its not the same anymore. It doesn't mean that I don't like it anymore. But the new things contradict with the memories. Sometimes I hate the memories for being so awesome.
What I feel right now is that things aren't the same anymore.
My best friend ain't here. He's not here. My parents are not here.
Yes, I miss all of them.
The impact on the others didn't help as well. I guess the time when we left somehow caused the others to drift off as well. I didnt' know that it was going to happen until I saw it last night. We hung out together last night, but I won't emphasize on the 'together' part. there was some kind of tension and in the midst of it, some of them were high. Not that I have anything against people getting high (I think that I'll try once in the future), but you know, I just felt disappointed because it felt nothing like it was before.
if my best friend was there, everything would have been better.
if he was there, it would have a whole new different experience.
when i pass these streets, everything that i hold on to would always be in the mind but not in sight anymore.
i guess that's whats holding me back in manila. i'm starting to come into terms to accepting it as my new home, but jakarta would always have a special place in my heart.
i cant really comprehend into what im feeling right now because i have something in my hands that i have to deal with. actually its a good coping mechanism, it lets me distract myself from these feelings of disappointment.
but yeah, i will always miss the past. it will always haunt me i guess. it will remind of when things were in control in our own hands and that no one else could take it away.
and now, its almost gone.
i guess i got to move on and continue to make new memories someplace else.
this semester break is probably going to be the final bow to high school memories. and then i gotta keep the car running.

The Walk..

Ahhh..
Writing. My way of escaping everything.
Procrastination is the worst enemy of everything.
I'm going to get rid of all the negative thoughts and all the what-could-have-beens aside and focus on what's more important.
I keep on saying that but I feel that I've been slacking off too much (once again. and again) and that I have to use the time that I have right now to catch up on some much needed work.
I don't want to describe in detail because it'll probably upset me (a few failed quizzes).
Maybe I should blame the UAAP. However, since the season is almost over.
Maybe I should blame my pride.
Haha, the funniest thing happened today. Haven't slept that much because I've used that time to play Rock Band and find out who my crush likes. :( A little hurt but I'll survive. Once again, right?
Boys can wait. -- Why do the ones that you like never seem to like you back? Ew, I'm starting to talk like a highschool girl again. What am I saying? There are a lot of fish in the sea, and they can live.
Chris Tiu baby.

Living in Twilight..

This must be the greatest day ever. And I think I'm contradicting that with the style and structure of the words when I express it. I don't even know if that makes sense as well.
1. Starting off, I got caught (with the full knowledge, but I figured that the sun was going to shine in my day today, for some reason) violating the dress code because I wore sandals in a place where it wasn't supposed to be.
2. It was because I was trying to apply for a new ID; mine broke. Yes, I had to pay for a new one.
3. I submitted a lab report for Botany where I had no idea whether it was correct. And I'm having a hard time with the subject.
4. Lastly, not only do I have limited time to study for Math. I have a D on that.
The worst one was my editor telling me that he doesn't think I am able to produce a 'worthy' article by the end of this semester. Which hurts. A lot. I thought I had talent in writing. I love writing and it's always been a passion of mine. I guess I have to get rid
He also told me that the 'X-Files' movie article that I submitted had lot of grammar and subject-whatever structure mistakes. Shit. Fuck. This sucks ass.
But I'm going to prove him that I am able to write 'worthy' for Guidon. I think I was careless before but I am not going to do that again. I am going to do it. I am going to
I realize now that I have been careless and being a part of Guidon does require hard work. I need to prove once again that carelessness will not be a controlling part in my life.

I want to live a simple life.
Summary of all my current thoughts
(inspired
1. I am a dumbass in school.
2. My stomach is still growing.
3. Academics should be a huge part of my life.
4. He isn't a part of anything anymore. He is. He isn't.

Love Will Tear Us Apart..

He's got a new girl.
It's been almost a week since I knew. And I'm pretty much okay. Four days ago we had that conversation. It was a painful conversation that i had to pretty much face, but i guess it had to be done. i realized that since i found out about it, i concentrated a lot better in school. it's not much progress, but i know i'll get there.
i made a promise to myself that once i meet up with him in the future, i'll make him see what he's been missing out. by then, i'm going to change into this better person. i don't know the exact definition of that, but i'll get there. college is supposed to be the time for that and i'm going through the hurdles right now.
but all those songs, photos, and memories are so bittersweet sometimes. when i hear it, it travels back into those times and it leaves a certain taste in my head. i like to go back there but it's impossible, so they'll just stay memories. memories that i never regret having. it's given a new spark into my life. it changed it indefinitely.

right now, i know that all i need is time and i know i'm on the way to get over it. it was fun while it lasted. i don't want it to ruin the rest of my life. i'm beginning to have a life here. and i'm on THE WAY to adapt here. it's an interesting experience, really.
i passed botany! wohoo! even though it was a D, at least i passed. =)
i guess i have to get all these feelings out before i start to ponder about it and let it affect my concentration (again). i guess what my selfish mind wants is to get equal with him. i might regret saying this, but i think i need a new guy. so far, i cant find one. there's one that might be a potential but i'm not sure if he actually knows me. i mean, we just say hey and that's it. shit. and on my way here, i had an interaction with him.
i was walking out of the dorm, and he was walking out of the dorm as well. it was almost dark and i was using my ipod, playing an argument with myself whether i should change the song or not (Nada Surf - Always Love). but then the sight of him given me the answer. let me tell you, it sort of fit the mood perfectly hehe. he walked ahead and i walked behind him. then i started an argument whether i should talk to him or not.
darnit. he doesn't seem to have an interest on me.
people say that college is swimming with new fish. best part of it is that they don't know anything about you. it's all brand new. so far, no luck for this girl.
okay, stop it. i don't want it to be a priority. studies first.
i'm making a new promise to myself: to have fun being single and independent. :)
boys can wait.