Is It You?

Blehh..
Tommorow is holiday. But it will pass by like a second just like any other days. Sometimes it can be really good but then academically, it's not so good. It's like there's not enough time to study.
Tommorow, I'm going to study my ass off. Tonight I'll probably start but tommorow I seriously need to work on my studying schedule. I just needed to clarify it through words as always. It seems that it won't work without me writing about it in my precious blog. My sanctuary.
Being away from my parents can sometimes feel weird. Sometimes I love and embrace the freedom 100% but then there are times where it feels really depressing.
Botany and Math. Why have you decided to make my life upside down?
here's to a greater learning. hopefully i wont fail in these subjects.

Silently..

Silently I'm suffering.
Well, not really but it feels like that.
I don't know what I'm going to do when I grow up. I don't want to become a full-time journalist, but I would like a career where I can do some writing though.
Public Relations is an interesting field. If having a career in that means that you have to be one of those hyped up, energetic sort of people, I may have some trouble with that. Public speaking something that I must improve. I also like to study about media interest and popular culture.
Anyway, why am I talking about this when I'm still in my first year of college and still struggling through the basic subjects of Math?
I should have taken Math1, even though its called math for retards. Jeez. At least I know I wouldn't have to stress so much on my QPI. If I get a fcking D for Math 11, I'll still be happy you know? The only disadvantages is probably the self-consciousness I would get from other classmates (which I always have a problem with) and summer classes. The latter is what scares me the most. Not only would I not be able to go back to Jakarta for the summer (the summer I will never got for 2008), I might ruin the chances of meeting a certain someone. Maybe, maybe not. Let's just see.
The problem that I get whenever I take a math quiz is that I start to panic. I know inside that I can do it, but then this sort of pressure comes up. It's hard to explain, like a combination of pressure to do really good and questioning whether I'm doing the right thing or not.
That's the hurdle that I have to jump through.
Just thought you might like to know :)

Creep..

Can you keep a secret?

1. I don't think I'm doing so well in my academics. I think I got to step up a notch if I want to do well, and I really want to. I'm not sure whether it's the transition or that I'm just going through my adjustment phase. A big chunk of responsibility pretty much goes to not studying hard enough. The transition from the education system in Jakarta and college is so different. Back there, it was so lazy and laidback. Here, it's time to get serious and whatever. Still, I can't speak up in class because the pressure makes me question myself. I'm so quiet in class. I like to imagine that in the future, when I'm really settled here I can do well in class. Be participative and all that.
One of my biggest weaknesses is probably comparing myself with others. They all seem to be so smart and intelligent and hardworking and all that. I'm afraid that I'm not up to par with them. Like I'm considered to be one of the dumbest people there. Today I got the results back from my botany long exam. I got a D. When I get the results for my math and botany lab long exam I know I'll either fail or pass with a couple of points. What's wrong with me? :(
Guess I need to really study hard. It's a huge eye-opener. I hope my parents will understand it. It's a hard adjustment after all.
2. My healthy habits are like, questionable. Not only did my stomach's stomach gained another stomach, I got like two ear infections ever since I got here. That and a stupid catalzion in my left eye. Dust is starting to gather in my cabinets and I don't think I have the time to actually clean it. Maybe in the holidays, I don't know. I'm trying hard to maintain my healthy habits by eating a salad consisting of lettuce and carrots, topped with a dressing that probably has 100 calories per teaspoon.
3. Budget, budget, budget. Some temptations are just hard to resist. Especially yesterday, there was a book sale in campus and they were selling all kinds of books for a bargain price. Books that you don't normally see in bookstores and if you do, it's probably like two or three times more. I can't pass up a great bargain, especially if its books. I have a shelf full of unread books. When I have the time I'm going to lie down and read all of it and enhance my pursuit of knowledge.
I also have to manage my internet intake. Since my mom applied for the prepaid internet, I pay when I use. It's going to be hard because internet... is the greatest invention in the world. Forget what other peope say, we just can't live without internet.
Next month, I'm going to keep track of all my expenses.

I guess the subjects in which I worry a lot about is Math and Botany Lab. The rest I probably can manage if I work harder. Math here is like a whole new world to me.Word problems are the worst.
Hopefully I have to endure this pain till next year. If I'm not able to pass the class, I'll probably have to take it again. And the cycle will go on and on. I can not possibly endure this academic struggle anymore. Forgive me for being dramatic, but seriously, math is just not cut out for me. I hate advanced math. And it hates me as well.
Wish me luck in everything.
This time, I seriously need it.

The Distance..

Serendipity is love.
Writing is my air here. Without it, I'll probably suffer from all the feelings bottled up inside of me. I have so much to tell, but the thing is, the person to tell it is non-existent. Hopefully for now.
The friends I have are friends..but I still don't have that certain someone or people like I did back in Jakarta. I know that it won't appear in front of you. I know it'll take time to find it. I just hate the adjustment period.
I just miss having that 'home' place. I'm starting to feel it physically, but emotionally, my heart is still in Jakarta. What I had back there. I've been hearing, seeing photos back in Jakarta and I really want to come back and visit. The way I left it wasn't that great, and I guess I want to give almost a final closure for it.
When I write about things, it's usually about this topic. I guess I'll talk more about the environment that I actually live in right now.
Well, maybe next time. It's almost bedtime right now.
My health isn't working out with me. My stomach is still big as usual and I have an eye stye or catalzion or whatever they call it. Basically it's a lump underneath my eyelid. And I'm having my third ear infection this past month. Arghh, maybe it's because of how many times I clean my ears. I noticed these past few days, every time I clean my left ear, there's this yellow wax, like almost neon yellow. It's freaky, and I could tell that I'm going to have another ear infection. Arghh, I hate it! It's soo annoying.
Music is the air that I breathe. The music that I listen (I'm finally given the space to explore my musical interests!) are so awesome. Despite a few guilty pleasures, I've downloaded musique from Guster, Radiohead, and many more. It's only just the beginning. I really want to explain this in-more depth once I have the interest for it. And it involves someone else. I guess you know who it is. Radiohead is such an interesting band. I should have bought their cds back in Jakarta. Oh well, next time.
I need to have someone to talk to. I mean really talk to. I guess I'm still on that path. Other than that..let's just see how it goes.

Simple Life..

here's my daily rants, raves, and tantrums of COLLEGE LIFE.

First of all - Academics.
I think I'm not going to do well in my first semester. It's all because of my habits that I always had back in high school. I must change before I can improve everything better. I don't know, as much as I try to, I can never be really good in math..or botany. The others I can manage I guess, except for those two subjects. math especially. It's like the process in my head but then I can't put it into paper during class. The other people seem to be so much prepared and faster than me. I hate math here in college. Botany is so arghh, I haven't taken science in over the year and now all the DNA and RNA info is out of my head. Argh, tommorow we even have a long exam. next week is our math long exam.
I tend to be one of the quieter ones in class. As much as I want to sometimes, I can't really speak up, because I'm scared of what other people will talk about.
Health
My stomach is bulging up because it has digested canned goods and cereal. Frankly, I don't know what is healthy and which is not anymore.
Love
arghh, well there are some eye candies, but then my heart still belongs to him. I think about him constantly, especially the time where we'll meet again. I still imagine that in four years from now, we'll be together. Through fate. Fate just wants us to explore the world for awhile before it goes on. I don't knjow whether two months or years from now that I'll look at this and laugh because of how 'loved up' I was. Well, I just want to say to my future self, that right now, it feels real. And I want to be with him =)
family
my mom's going to be leaving tommorow and i'm going to miss everyone like hell. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to just sit and weep. I'm going to make up the time till the next time I'll meet them again. I'm going to study my ass off and have fun while doing it. I'm going to explore the real world and find my identity along the way. I'm going to meet new people and establish new relationships.
It's a whole new world here. And I'm just standing here.
=) Wish me luck (especially for the math exam! and botany exam! shite)

Waiting in Vain..

Last night, I was supposedly researching to meet all the requirements for GUIDON (which I so want to be a part of badly.) and then all of a sudden, a wake of homesickness washed over me.
It was really weird.
Like I started to read about Say Anything and Serendipity (both starred by John Cusack) and then I remembered to think about the time when me and him watched it in Subtitles. That place holds lots of memories, believe me. I'm not going to share a lot of them here, but the first movie we watched there was Say Anything. We couldn't decide on a movie to watch, and while we were looking at the comedy section, I saw this movie and I told him that we just got to watch this.
OMG. Have you ever have that feeling where you can totally relate to the movie because there are some certain elements that resembles to your life situations? Well, I felt the same way and hopefully, I wished he thought of it as well!
Well, the story was about this guy that has been in love with the pretty yet brainy chick in high school. They just recently graduated (with her being the valedictorian) and he decides to make a move and asks her to go with him to this house party. After a little reluctance, she decides to go with him.
Her life's been quite strict, since it's just her and her father in the family. Her father is a little bit overprotective (like so many dads are), but at the same time, they are really close.
They start to spend more time together and they fall head over heels in love.
THEN THERE'S THE PROBLEM.
She's going to London (ahem) for college. He doesn't know what to do. Realizing this, she decides to break up with him (giving him a pen as a result).
In summarized words, they eventually realize they're really in love with each other and then he goes to London with her.
I soo want to watch Say Anything again. I want to be in his arms while I watch it.
Sorry, I can't really make a really good review.
Serendipity is just as awesome.
If I can find a customized shirt shop here, I'll make one that says I <3 Lloyd Dobbler
awwww..
Plus, it's been awhile since I listened to Annie Lennox's version of 'Waiting in Vain'
And when I heard it agian last night, I almost cried =(
Okay, I have so much things to do here
College is fun, but at the same, it's pretty demanding.
You can't meet up to everyone's expectations.
Hopefully I can meet my fate here.
I'm letting go to everything lazy. But it'll take time =(