Skeleton Song..

This post is composed of three several blog entries written in over a period of a couple of days. The dates are from October 25-27.

Can I tell you a secret?
Of course I can.

I’m in LOVE.
I’m in l-o-v-e with being at home.
I’m home alone. No parental guidance. You know what that means, right? FREEDOM, baby! I can go anywhere and go back home anytime I want =) It’s been more than a week now and I’m having the time of my life. So this is how its like being (almost) independent.
I’ve been hanging out with friends back in Indonesia and it’s been great, I swear. They were the ones who I grew up with and it’s nice to meet (almost) everyone whose still here. Next year it will end. They’ll go to their different ways and it won’t be the same anymore. A development company yearning for business found the deserted island and they’re interested in investing it.
Does this make sense?
I don’t ever want to forget about this place. I guess every one feels like that about their home.
Being home is like paradise on a deserted island.
Manila is great, but Indonesia is always home. Despite the pollution, uber traffic, perverted old men, and bribery it’s still home. Every place I see gives back so many memories and sometimes, it can get overwhelming. I’m ready to go back to Manila but it feels like an obligation. However, despite all the comforts that home would give to me, I feel that Manila is the place where uhmmm.. I can learn new things?







Can I tell you a secret?
The freedom from being home alone with no one else tells me so many things.
Don’t worry, I bet no one else that shouldn’t read this would have the access to it.
I want someone. Anyone.
Partly because I miss going out, being close to in love, and just all the bf-gf thing.
I also want to make him jealous. That’s the weirdest thing I’ve realized. Every part of my imagination just wants to make him wish that breaking up was the worst thing he could do. Like, ‘shit, she’s so awesome. Why did I have to break up with her?’ I want to make him regret the day when he met his significant other.
But are the feelings back?
I don’t know.
What I do know is, I miss having a boyfriend. There I said it. I miss going to movies, staying up talking to
I guess I'm not actually missing this specific person. Maybe I just miss the idea of it. I don't know but we'll see. Years from now.
I keep thinking of different scenarios of how it would be the next time we see each other (probably years from now) and like, one look would just bring back everything. Every single thing. I know that looks shouldn’t be the utmost important thing so later in the scenario, he starts to fall in love with me with my personality. Do I allow myself to become vulnerable and open to painful wounds? I don’t think so.
I’ll tell him, ‘you had your chance bro. i promised myself that i wouldn’t let myself in the same position i was before. it hurt like hell. Sorry.’
And then I ride off with a beautiful brown horse with another man.
Okay, that was made up.


I am currently loving my sembreak. No parental guidance. There are a few things that I’m not proud of doing but I’ll just try and resist the temptations next time. For now, I just want to use this time to clear my head and get ready for another semester of college.
I <3 this vacation.
However, I was a bit disappointed when I came back to find that my classmates have succumbed to smoking and alcohol. Not that I do that, but in my case its quite moderate.
You know, ever since I lived alone in my apartment I made a few discoveries. One, is that solitude increases the love for thyself. I’m more vain right now than I ever was.
Second, I realize how much I miss my friends here. Especially the ones that aren’t here right now. My best friend. Jakarta is not the same without her. I hope that she’s enjoying her life right now in Australia, and hopefully in the future, we can meet up and just hang like it was before. I remember one time, when it was just two of us in her car on the way to Senayan City and we were talking about this Nu Tea bottles. Nu Tea is probably the best green tea being sold here in Indonesia. Anyway, they had this prize competition thing where the bottom of the bottle caps would show whether you won something or not. The prizes ranged from free Nu Tea bottles to 1 billion. We never got anything beyond the free bottles. And we were talking how we would spend the money if one of us ever got it. We would get an apartment in a foreign place after college and get an awesome car. We were giggling about how we would do groceries together, meet cute guys, and wonder what we’ll do if we have boys over at the same night. Yes, a bit off but still. It’s one of those conversations, you know?
Nothing is the same anymore. Everyone’s changing and I’m one of them. I just hope I’m not the only one that realizes it. By the end of this break, I’ll go back to Manila and continue my life there.
I haven’t read my previous blog entries in awhile. I guess I’m still in that stage where it’s still all awkward. Probably next month, but definitely not now.
Living without parental guidance and minor responsibilities (hey, this only happens for a short time) had given me a new experience. It’s really awesome but I know that I’ll need to get back on my feet soon. I haven’t done anything productive whatsoever, and you know what, I’m LOVING IT.
Note for the future self: Apologies for the disorganized way of posting up blog entries. When my mind is finally 'there', I will and can do better.

Watching the Rain..

I'm back at the place where I always wanted to be.
I feel like I deserve every minute I'm in this place.
I won't call it heaven, but it is certainly close to it.
It's not perfect through the eyes of others, but it might as well be through mine.
I <3 Jakarta. It will always be home.
However, when I came back this unusual feeling started to arise. It's like, I'm in a place full of great and unforgettable memories and there's this feeling of hopelessness that I can't go back. In Manila, I could easily distract myself with all the things I have going there but once I set foot here, it's like, oh crap.
The roads seem like
Luckily, my friends from college that used to live here and are spending time here are my current distractions.
I know that absence makes the heart grows fonder. This could be an example for it, with Jakarta. With someone else? I'm not sure. It seems like every place here reminds me of him. Like, what happened in our dates. This place is soo nostalgic and painful at the same time. Bittersweet. Still delicious.
Anyway, enough about that.
I feel like I'm the path to being the person that I've always wanted to be. Like, I'm starting to achieve the independence needed already. It's not there, but I'm definitely taking steps there. I've been quite proud of myself despite of a few flaws.
However, when I come back to Manila I'm going to be a more beautiful person. My heart is going to know the top prorities, such as school, family, friends, and whatnot. Boys would be a staple but I won't make it at the top of my list. By the time I get there my nails and toes are going to be yucky-free, my stomach would be thinner (not fat like now), and my muscles will come back. Yeah, my toned arms aren't there anymore. i already cut my hair, pierced my ears, and that's hopefully just the beginning.
Independence during sembreak just rocks my socks. And vacation time is just starting.
Too bad time has to speed things up..
Independence is awesome.
I loves it.

We Bringing it Back..

I'm at home.
Let me tell you. I love my home.
But its not the same anymore. It doesn't mean that I don't like it anymore. But the new things contradict with the memories. Sometimes I hate the memories for being so awesome.
What I feel right now is that things aren't the same anymore.
My best friend ain't here. He's not here. My parents are not here.
Yes, I miss all of them.
The impact on the others didn't help as well. I guess the time when we left somehow caused the others to drift off as well. I didnt' know that it was going to happen until I saw it last night. We hung out together last night, but I won't emphasize on the 'together' part. there was some kind of tension and in the midst of it, some of them were high. Not that I have anything against people getting high (I think that I'll try once in the future), but you know, I just felt disappointed because it felt nothing like it was before.
if my best friend was there, everything would have been better.
if he was there, it would have a whole new different experience.
when i pass these streets, everything that i hold on to would always be in the mind but not in sight anymore.
i guess that's whats holding me back in manila. i'm starting to come into terms to accepting it as my new home, but jakarta would always have a special place in my heart.
i cant really comprehend into what im feeling right now because i have something in my hands that i have to deal with. actually its a good coping mechanism, it lets me distract myself from these feelings of disappointment.
but yeah, i will always miss the past. it will always haunt me i guess. it will remind of when things were in control in our own hands and that no one else could take it away.
and now, its almost gone.
i guess i got to move on and continue to make new memories someplace else.
this semester break is probably going to be the final bow to high school memories. and then i gotta keep the car running.

The Walk..

Ahhh..
Writing. My way of escaping everything.
Procrastination is the worst enemy of everything.
I'm going to get rid of all the negative thoughts and all the what-could-have-beens aside and focus on what's more important.
I keep on saying that but I feel that I've been slacking off too much (once again. and again) and that I have to use the time that I have right now to catch up on some much needed work.
I don't want to describe in detail because it'll probably upset me (a few failed quizzes).
Maybe I should blame the UAAP. However, since the season is almost over.
Maybe I should blame my pride.
Haha, the funniest thing happened today. Haven't slept that much because I've used that time to play Rock Band and find out who my crush likes. :( A little hurt but I'll survive. Once again, right?
Boys can wait. -- Why do the ones that you like never seem to like you back? Ew, I'm starting to talk like a highschool girl again. What am I saying? There are a lot of fish in the sea, and they can live.
Chris Tiu baby.

Living in Twilight..

This must be the greatest day ever. And I think I'm contradicting that with the style and structure of the words when I express it. I don't even know if that makes sense as well.
1. Starting off, I got caught (with the full knowledge, but I figured that the sun was going to shine in my day today, for some reason) violating the dress code because I wore sandals in a place where it wasn't supposed to be.
2. It was because I was trying to apply for a new ID; mine broke. Yes, I had to pay for a new one.
3. I submitted a lab report for Botany where I had no idea whether it was correct. And I'm having a hard time with the subject.
4. Lastly, not only do I have limited time to study for Math. I have a D on that.
The worst one was my editor telling me that he doesn't think I am able to produce a 'worthy' article by the end of this semester. Which hurts. A lot. I thought I had talent in writing. I love writing and it's always been a passion of mine. I guess I have to get rid
He also told me that the 'X-Files' movie article that I submitted had lot of grammar and subject-whatever structure mistakes. Shit. Fuck. This sucks ass.
But I'm going to prove him that I am able to write 'worthy' for Guidon. I think I was careless before but I am not going to do that again. I am going to do it. I am going to
I realize now that I have been careless and being a part of Guidon does require hard work. I need to prove once again that carelessness will not be a controlling part in my life.

I want to live a simple life.
Summary of all my current thoughts
(inspired
1. I am a dumbass in school.
2. My stomach is still growing.
3. Academics should be a huge part of my life.
4. He isn't a part of anything anymore. He is. He isn't.

Love Will Tear Us Apart..

He's got a new girl.
It's been almost a week since I knew. And I'm pretty much okay. Four days ago we had that conversation. It was a painful conversation that i had to pretty much face, but i guess it had to be done. i realized that since i found out about it, i concentrated a lot better in school. it's not much progress, but i know i'll get there.
i made a promise to myself that once i meet up with him in the future, i'll make him see what he's been missing out. by then, i'm going to change into this better person. i don't know the exact definition of that, but i'll get there. college is supposed to be the time for that and i'm going through the hurdles right now.
but all those songs, photos, and memories are so bittersweet sometimes. when i hear it, it travels back into those times and it leaves a certain taste in my head. i like to go back there but it's impossible, so they'll just stay memories. memories that i never regret having. it's given a new spark into my life. it changed it indefinitely.

right now, i know that all i need is time and i know i'm on the way to get over it. it was fun while it lasted. i don't want it to ruin the rest of my life. i'm beginning to have a life here. and i'm on THE WAY to adapt here. it's an interesting experience, really.
i passed botany! wohoo! even though it was a D, at least i passed. =)
i guess i have to get all these feelings out before i start to ponder about it and let it affect my concentration (again). i guess what my selfish mind wants is to get equal with him. i might regret saying this, but i think i need a new guy. so far, i cant find one. there's one that might be a potential but i'm not sure if he actually knows me. i mean, we just say hey and that's it. shit. and on my way here, i had an interaction with him.
i was walking out of the dorm, and he was walking out of the dorm as well. it was almost dark and i was using my ipod, playing an argument with myself whether i should change the song or not (Nada Surf - Always Love). but then the sight of him given me the answer. let me tell you, it sort of fit the mood perfectly hehe. he walked ahead and i walked behind him. then i started an argument whether i should talk to him or not.
darnit. he doesn't seem to have an interest on me.
people say that college is swimming with new fish. best part of it is that they don't know anything about you. it's all brand new. so far, no luck for this girl.
okay, stop it. i don't want it to be a priority. studies first.
i'm making a new promise to myself: to have fun being single and independent. :)
boys can wait.

She's Losing It..

In the time of midterms.. some random thoughts are around my head. I don’t want to sound emo, but aside from all the stressing, eating, worrying, I’ve been thinking a lot.

During the lectures of English and Lit, I realized that my writing needs a lot of work. I can’t do writing as a formal exercise because I always regarded it as the ultimate way of expressing my own feelings and emotions. When I write it in a formulated and systematic way, I tend to get paranoid and wonder whether the grammar and punctuation marks will disrupt the ‘thesis statements’ and all that. I know we should have a good sense of grammar in our writing, but college makes it so challenging because it has to perfect and whatnot.

I always thought writing was a passion of mine. But this is sort of making me down. Even though I got accepted in the official student newspaper of the school, sometimes I feel that what I will do will be regarded as inferior.

I know that deep down inside I have the potential, but I’m sort of scared to release that potential. I feel that the best of my writing will come out whenever there is actual interest behind it. There are times when the words just flow out of these fingertips with silky ease but I don’t really get that during exercises.

I fully understand that I should be grateful to have that opportunity to shape up my writing. I know that I can do it, I just have to clarify this before I actually move on.

Now I’m ready to move on.

I forgot the last time when I was this stressed about my grades. I started off pretty slack, but now I’m picking up the pace. Midterms is coming up but I know now what to do. Study, study, study. The only subject that worried about is Math, but I already got a tutor for it. Everything seems to be doing well. I just need to work harder. It’s going to be a lot of work, but it’s not entirely impossible. I’m not going to sit and complain about it. I’ll actually do something about it. This is the time to push myself because if it isn’t, where will start? I already had my free times but it’s been good, but enough is enough.

Let’s work.

Note: this was made on August 8, 2008 (08/08/08)

Only Fooling Myself..

I don't know what's on his mind.
I don't want to guess.
I don't want to think for the worse.
But I don't want to get hurt.

I'll just hope for the best in the next four years that all my dreams will come true. That day will come when everything we had been waiting for will come back. And if takes another person to recognize, I don't mind. It'll make it stronger.
Or it will never happen. The distance will remain in our hearts and it will make a scar that hurts so permanently that we will never go to that place ever again.
I don't know what's happening in his mind. Maybe there's another particular potential one. I can't say that I haven't encountered some that might endorse some response to opposite sex interest but later on, I can't help but think that it would never be the same like what we had together. I would like to think that there would be significant others for both of us but we both know that it will be nothing serious. But you know, I really don't know what to think, but right now, I don't see myself with anyone else, but him :)
I dunno. Only time will tell. I sort of gone through this lovey-dovey thing but maybe it was the next step, or probably the fact that it was actually official that made it extra harder to part with.
I guess it's all up to time. Whether it will actually happen or not.
I just hope I'll make it through
With a smile on my face
Whether it goes left or right..

In the meantime, I'm going to make use of my life. I'll study, play, sleep, bathe, laugh, chat, eat, pray, drink, dance, type, write, blog, cry, run and anything else that will DEFINE MY LIFE.

Is It You?

Blehh..
Tommorow is holiday. But it will pass by like a second just like any other days. Sometimes it can be really good but then academically, it's not so good. It's like there's not enough time to study.
Tommorow, I'm going to study my ass off. Tonight I'll probably start but tommorow I seriously need to work on my studying schedule. I just needed to clarify it through words as always. It seems that it won't work without me writing about it in my precious blog. My sanctuary.
Being away from my parents can sometimes feel weird. Sometimes I love and embrace the freedom 100% but then there are times where it feels really depressing.
Botany and Math. Why have you decided to make my life upside down?
here's to a greater learning. hopefully i wont fail in these subjects.

Silently..

Silently I'm suffering.
Well, not really but it feels like that.
I don't know what I'm going to do when I grow up. I don't want to become a full-time journalist, but I would like a career where I can do some writing though.
Public Relations is an interesting field. If having a career in that means that you have to be one of those hyped up, energetic sort of people, I may have some trouble with that. Public speaking something that I must improve. I also like to study about media interest and popular culture.
Anyway, why am I talking about this when I'm still in my first year of college and still struggling through the basic subjects of Math?
I should have taken Math1, even though its called math for retards. Jeez. At least I know I wouldn't have to stress so much on my QPI. If I get a fcking D for Math 11, I'll still be happy you know? The only disadvantages is probably the self-consciousness I would get from other classmates (which I always have a problem with) and summer classes. The latter is what scares me the most. Not only would I not be able to go back to Jakarta for the summer (the summer I will never got for 2008), I might ruin the chances of meeting a certain someone. Maybe, maybe not. Let's just see.
The problem that I get whenever I take a math quiz is that I start to panic. I know inside that I can do it, but then this sort of pressure comes up. It's hard to explain, like a combination of pressure to do really good and questioning whether I'm doing the right thing or not.
That's the hurdle that I have to jump through.
Just thought you might like to know :)

Creep..

Can you keep a secret?

1. I don't think I'm doing so well in my academics. I think I got to step up a notch if I want to do well, and I really want to. I'm not sure whether it's the transition or that I'm just going through my adjustment phase. A big chunk of responsibility pretty much goes to not studying hard enough. The transition from the education system in Jakarta and college is so different. Back there, it was so lazy and laidback. Here, it's time to get serious and whatever. Still, I can't speak up in class because the pressure makes me question myself. I'm so quiet in class. I like to imagine that in the future, when I'm really settled here I can do well in class. Be participative and all that.
One of my biggest weaknesses is probably comparing myself with others. They all seem to be so smart and intelligent and hardworking and all that. I'm afraid that I'm not up to par with them. Like I'm considered to be one of the dumbest people there. Today I got the results back from my botany long exam. I got a D. When I get the results for my math and botany lab long exam I know I'll either fail or pass with a couple of points. What's wrong with me? :(
Guess I need to really study hard. It's a huge eye-opener. I hope my parents will understand it. It's a hard adjustment after all.
2. My healthy habits are like, questionable. Not only did my stomach's stomach gained another stomach, I got like two ear infections ever since I got here. That and a stupid catalzion in my left eye. Dust is starting to gather in my cabinets and I don't think I have the time to actually clean it. Maybe in the holidays, I don't know. I'm trying hard to maintain my healthy habits by eating a salad consisting of lettuce and carrots, topped with a dressing that probably has 100 calories per teaspoon.
3. Budget, budget, budget. Some temptations are just hard to resist. Especially yesterday, there was a book sale in campus and they were selling all kinds of books for a bargain price. Books that you don't normally see in bookstores and if you do, it's probably like two or three times more. I can't pass up a great bargain, especially if its books. I have a shelf full of unread books. When I have the time I'm going to lie down and read all of it and enhance my pursuit of knowledge.
I also have to manage my internet intake. Since my mom applied for the prepaid internet, I pay when I use. It's going to be hard because internet... is the greatest invention in the world. Forget what other peope say, we just can't live without internet.
Next month, I'm going to keep track of all my expenses.

I guess the subjects in which I worry a lot about is Math and Botany Lab. The rest I probably can manage if I work harder. Math here is like a whole new world to me.Word problems are the worst.
Hopefully I have to endure this pain till next year. If I'm not able to pass the class, I'll probably have to take it again. And the cycle will go on and on. I can not possibly endure this academic struggle anymore. Forgive me for being dramatic, but seriously, math is just not cut out for me. I hate advanced math. And it hates me as well.
Wish me luck in everything.
This time, I seriously need it.

The Distance..

Serendipity is love.
Writing is my air here. Without it, I'll probably suffer from all the feelings bottled up inside of me. I have so much to tell, but the thing is, the person to tell it is non-existent. Hopefully for now.
The friends I have are friends..but I still don't have that certain someone or people like I did back in Jakarta. I know that it won't appear in front of you. I know it'll take time to find it. I just hate the adjustment period.
I just miss having that 'home' place. I'm starting to feel it physically, but emotionally, my heart is still in Jakarta. What I had back there. I've been hearing, seeing photos back in Jakarta and I really want to come back and visit. The way I left it wasn't that great, and I guess I want to give almost a final closure for it.
When I write about things, it's usually about this topic. I guess I'll talk more about the environment that I actually live in right now.
Well, maybe next time. It's almost bedtime right now.
My health isn't working out with me. My stomach is still big as usual and I have an eye stye or catalzion or whatever they call it. Basically it's a lump underneath my eyelid. And I'm having my third ear infection this past month. Arghh, maybe it's because of how many times I clean my ears. I noticed these past few days, every time I clean my left ear, there's this yellow wax, like almost neon yellow. It's freaky, and I could tell that I'm going to have another ear infection. Arghh, I hate it! It's soo annoying.
Music is the air that I breathe. The music that I listen (I'm finally given the space to explore my musical interests!) are so awesome. Despite a few guilty pleasures, I've downloaded musique from Guster, Radiohead, and many more. It's only just the beginning. I really want to explain this in-more depth once I have the interest for it. And it involves someone else. I guess you know who it is. Radiohead is such an interesting band. I should have bought their cds back in Jakarta. Oh well, next time.
I need to have someone to talk to. I mean really talk to. I guess I'm still on that path. Other than that..let's just see how it goes.

Simple Life..

here's my daily rants, raves, and tantrums of COLLEGE LIFE.

First of all - Academics.
I think I'm not going to do well in my first semester. It's all because of my habits that I always had back in high school. I must change before I can improve everything better. I don't know, as much as I try to, I can never be really good in math..or botany. The others I can manage I guess, except for those two subjects. math especially. It's like the process in my head but then I can't put it into paper during class. The other people seem to be so much prepared and faster than me. I hate math here in college. Botany is so arghh, I haven't taken science in over the year and now all the DNA and RNA info is out of my head. Argh, tommorow we even have a long exam. next week is our math long exam.
I tend to be one of the quieter ones in class. As much as I want to sometimes, I can't really speak up, because I'm scared of what other people will talk about.
Health
My stomach is bulging up because it has digested canned goods and cereal. Frankly, I don't know what is healthy and which is not anymore.
Love
arghh, well there are some eye candies, but then my heart still belongs to him. I think about him constantly, especially the time where we'll meet again. I still imagine that in four years from now, we'll be together. Through fate. Fate just wants us to explore the world for awhile before it goes on. I don't knjow whether two months or years from now that I'll look at this and laugh because of how 'loved up' I was. Well, I just want to say to my future self, that right now, it feels real. And I want to be with him =)
family
my mom's going to be leaving tommorow and i'm going to miss everyone like hell. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to just sit and weep. I'm going to make up the time till the next time I'll meet them again. I'm going to study my ass off and have fun while doing it. I'm going to explore the real world and find my identity along the way. I'm going to meet new people and establish new relationships.
It's a whole new world here. And I'm just standing here.
=) Wish me luck (especially for the math exam! and botany exam! shite)

Waiting in Vain..

Last night, I was supposedly researching to meet all the requirements for GUIDON (which I so want to be a part of badly.) and then all of a sudden, a wake of homesickness washed over me.
It was really weird.
Like I started to read about Say Anything and Serendipity (both starred by John Cusack) and then I remembered to think about the time when me and him watched it in Subtitles. That place holds lots of memories, believe me. I'm not going to share a lot of them here, but the first movie we watched there was Say Anything. We couldn't decide on a movie to watch, and while we were looking at the comedy section, I saw this movie and I told him that we just got to watch this.
OMG. Have you ever have that feeling where you can totally relate to the movie because there are some certain elements that resembles to your life situations? Well, I felt the same way and hopefully, I wished he thought of it as well!
Well, the story was about this guy that has been in love with the pretty yet brainy chick in high school. They just recently graduated (with her being the valedictorian) and he decides to make a move and asks her to go with him to this house party. After a little reluctance, she decides to go with him.
Her life's been quite strict, since it's just her and her father in the family. Her father is a little bit overprotective (like so many dads are), but at the same time, they are really close.
They start to spend more time together and they fall head over heels in love.
THEN THERE'S THE PROBLEM.
She's going to London (ahem) for college. He doesn't know what to do. Realizing this, she decides to break up with him (giving him a pen as a result).
In summarized words, they eventually realize they're really in love with each other and then he goes to London with her.
I soo want to watch Say Anything again. I want to be in his arms while I watch it.
Sorry, I can't really make a really good review.
Serendipity is just as awesome.
If I can find a customized shirt shop here, I'll make one that says I <3 Lloyd Dobbler
awwww..
Plus, it's been awhile since I listened to Annie Lennox's version of 'Waiting in Vain'
And when I heard it agian last night, I almost cried =(
Okay, I have so much things to do here
College is fun, but at the same, it's pretty demanding.
You can't meet up to everyone's expectations.
Hopefully I can meet my fate here.
I'm letting go to everything lazy. But it'll take time =(

Bend and Not Break..

So this is what college really feels like.
I have so many issues running around my head. I just survived my first two weeks of school, and I'm about to break. There's so much things to do in a short period of time, it's completely overwhelming. This really puts my time management skills and memory into real work.
What's really bothering me right now is the diagnostic test on Math that we have to do on Thursday. If we score below 50, we get put into basic Math and we don't get any credit on whatever we do on that class. What's worse, we might have to take summer classes. I don't want to give up my summer staying here, instead of having the ultimate chance to go back to Jakarta. yes, the homesickness feeling is still there, which makes it even worse. I slept at 2 last night, and woke up at 9:30, and then fell asleep and then woke up 1 again. My stomach feels bloated. I haven't gotten a chance to eat all the food that my mom gave me, which is still sitting in the fridge, taking up all the space. I just found out that the delivery people of the fridge forgot to put the thing at the bottom, I'm not sure what it really is, but it's something to do with making the structure sturdy. I'm wasting a lot of money with random things. My mind's half preoccupied with trying to hold back on thinking about my personal life (friends, family, and love life) and more on the schoolwork issues and dormwork related activities. It's really stressing. We have to finish the costumes by 8 tonight. My first costume, which consists of 2 balloons have popped while I was sleeping. I have to make it again. And I have a fiction, MATH, and english assignments that I got to finish by tommorow.
I really think that if I can finish all my school assignments, if ONLY the dorm orsem didn't have to be so uptight on everything =( It's just too much seriously.
I'm trying to have a clear mind on everything but arghh! It's just too much =(
I want clarity. =(

Who Do You Think You Are?

Apart from being a totally popular Spice Girl song back in the 90s, the title of my blog is going to rant about how after listening to the song, it made me ponder, 'Hmm, what do I think about myself?'
To tell you the truth, it's been pretty much been a rollercoaster ride these past few days. Transferring to a whole new place less than 3 weeks ago, I guess you can say that the term 'homesick' has been imprinted on my forehead. Well I dunno whether it's homesickness or freshie-syndrome, but it feels so surreal at times.
I don't think it's a bad thing, really, just.....it's unexplainable. It's not that I don't want to be here. The thing is, I really want to be here, and my goodness, I am so thankful that I was destined to be accepted to this awesome-ass school.
It's the period of adjustment. I've made so many mistakes that I thought I never would have. Sometimes I feel I'm having problems adjusting socially. Sometimes one single minor teensy weensy problem (like not speaking up at class, or not following the instructions carefully) can devastate for a long period. Does anyone else get that?
It's like, trying so hard to make a difference. Coming from a school population of just a 100 to a uni with a population of almost 50 times bigger, it can be a weird transition. Back in high school, everyone knew each other and the familiar faces whenever you pass through the halls. You say hello to each other every time it happens. You get to know almost everyone's personalities.
In contrast, here, it's almost unlikely to pass someone in the hall who you recognize. There's so many people here, with so many talents and gifts. Sometimes it makes me wonder, 'Will I leave my own mark here someday?' and it'll continue to the future. Whether I'll ever accept to being a wallflower in my own life. Just standing there, hoping, wishing, dreaming of something grande to happen.
I guess it'll take some time. Mixtures of homesickness is still circulating around it.
Time will tell for almost anything. Probably 6 months from now I can look back and say that it had already been accomplished. =)

Land of a Thousand Dances..

So the Orsem 3-day thing happened..
Mind you I'm writing this within a memory of a week so I might have lef't out a couple of minor details...
It was pretty fun. And tiring.
Ateneo is a big campus. Like duh!
Well, according to they're education system, we get divided into blocks. There's like thousands of new freshmen this year and its soo much I swear. Soo much people, compared to Cibun's puny little size.
Anyway, we get separated according to our schedules and majors. Everyone in my block also has majors in AB COM.
Over the past days, I learned more about Ateneo culture. As a block, as a major, as a school, as a uni in one. Hehhee, so many fun activities, running around the school, having tours, and all that. It was so fun. I think I picked the right path. Being a part of Ateneo makes me feel proud, because I'm going to fulfill the wishes of my father. And it seems to be the right school. And, AB COM is gonna be fun baby :P
It was also a chance to get to know more of my schoolmates. So far, I made quite a few friends, mostly from my block. They all seem nice. :P
I also found out that my dormates aren't party animals. Thank goodness hehee. Apparently, two of them and a few from the other dorm rooms have known each other since they were young, and they're pretty close. Hope I don't get feel left out or push in to join them too much, you know? But I can enjoy my independence hehee. I just hope we can go to the mall sometime, you know, just to blow off steam and all that. They never shisha =( but hopefully I can look forward to other shisha partners lol :P
Even though my curfew is at 10, but oh well =(

In the last day, we had so many famous artists (fmer Ateneo alumni) that came. Parokya Ni Edgar, Urbandub, Calallily, and many more. It was soo awesome.
Hehe, and I finally moved into my dorm. My mom bought soo many stuff for me. Hopefully it won't make too much damage from studies and my stomach :p

College life..here I come :P

Thanks for the Memories..

Note: Written in times of philosophical ideas so don’t laugh :P

It’s not the end, it’s only just the beginning

These words have so many different meanings. Lately, I’ve been interpreting it through my own personal experiences, especially the ones that have happened recently.

It’s not the end, it’s only just the beginning. The end of high school. For awhile, it felt like it was the end of life, honestly, because you know, I’ve became so used to living in Jakarta. But I realized something during the last year there. I’ve got to get my mind into the reality that I’m leaving this place. So slowly, I’ve gotten myself to accept what has yet to happen.

But then the next few months came. Certain complications arose from my family, friends, and something else. Something that was probably the last thing I thought would happen. At first, I didn’t think it wasn’t going to a big deal but then as time flew by, I quickly realized how wrong it was. It became a huge deal. And it made leaving the whole thing 1000 times harder. I know now that’s its probably not going to happen for a very long time. Nothing else will make it change. It happened. I’m glad and sad that it happened at the same time. I’m glad for all the memories that I’ve gotten to experience but at the same time, sad because it was just over a short period. But that’s what life has to offer you.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Tough enough, the way the world moves decides for it to move on. L

During May 30^th (Friday) at around 10:30, I’ve said goodbye both to the true friends that I had grew up for many years and to the place that I’ve grew up with. Everywhere in Jakarta feels oh so familiar probably because I passed around it 2000 times.

Getting to Manila, was no problem. I’ve already been here during vacation times so I’ve gotten used to the culture and whatnot. However, what was different now and the vacation time was the feeling of going back home. The place where I used to call my vacation place was now called home.

Despite its similarities of environment (a combination of congestion, pollution, and traffic), it definitely feels different. Yet there are some elements that have helped me get pass through the homesickness and nostalgic memories. Photos, letters, , my laptop, handphone, and many more. Basically any means of memorabilia and communication makes it easier.

There are times where I become super excited in what college life has yet to offer me, but then it gets hit by times of homesickness. It sucks.

I’ve discovered the true meaning of friendship. I may not have realized it until a few weeks ago, where I come to realize that these certain group of people really care about me. And because of that, I feel special. I respect and deeply admire each and every one of them. What I really want is a high school reunion in 5 years. These are the people who I grew up since I was 7 or 8 years old. It’s pretty sad how we spent so many years with each other and then we got to part in our different ways. I guess that’s how it makes memories extra special. We tend to value our times together and it’ll be cherished more.

They say that college is the best years of your life. I hope with everything inside of me, that this is true.

Let’s see if it really is….